Optimism is making plans, no matter how simple and strange.

Optimism before staring down the IV drip for me is making plans for afterwards and not pulling the trigger on doing absolutely everything before surgery. 

        I don't have a date for surgery yet, but the urge to get more tattoos, buy things, learn random skills, start new projects and generally be impulsive doesn't care. It's hard. I've had to cut work down, and already that means I have to cut back on spending, but having to do that when the impulse to buy things is at its highest has been a test of discipline vs a brain already primed to give in to temptation. Hilariously, the weirdest impulse I've been having to deal with is getting a new job or making money, or dumping money into my resume making business and general writing. Fact is, I've already done that a little, but the urge to do more is tantalizing. Picking up more work is beyond tempting, but I have school to focus on, if it weren't for the fact I'm crawling the walls searching for focus. There are entire days that are writeoffs due to me not being able to focus on any damn thing and yeah, tea or coffee does help, but I have to balance that against the next paragraph.

        I'm having different little symptoms just about every day now, beyond the tiredness. I'm either getting stabbing chest pain (that they don't have explanations for, for anyone who's previously had heart surgery), or more palpitations, or both simultaneously, or I'm nearly fainting walking three steps. I don't even complain about it to those close to me much anymore cause complaining about it has gotten old, and experiencing it has gotten prehistoric. I'm annoyed. Most days I get away with just one pang of whatever nonsense, but some days I get more than that and those are my bad days.

        So onto that "I've already done that a little"... well, I have a writing website. You can now find me at drunkoffheartcondition.ca! Please disregard the Lorem Ipsum testimonials as I have yet to get any to fill the space in. I'm almost done cleaning up the website and its links so please let me know what you think and I'll take that into consideration! As of writing this blog, I am still open to trading a testimonial for free work on resumes and other writing projects. Please hit me up!

        Looking forwards, I've tentatively planned a photoshoot for while I'm healing to document this major change to my body as it's been over a decade since the last time I got major surgery. I'm kind of anxious about having the same feelings with my scar like the last time. It's not going to look prettier the more I get cut up, you know. I've also planned to restart a DnD game with friends, presumably while in recovery as I can roll dice and talk. I've thought about getting the next tattoo that means I survived another heart surgery! It's basically an additional fun tally mark on the back of my neck. I've talked to an artist about getting it done and the placement beside the other two marks. It's going to look a bit lopsided, but hey, nothing I can't handle. Since, well, I'm not the one going to be looking at it 99% of the time, you see.

        I've got another couple things to prepare for when I go in for surgery; I'm currently looking into getting an IV hoodie made for me from one of my old hoodies (basically just put in zippers on the sleeves so I can wear it while in hospital). Second thing is maybe getting a new heart pillow made. If you don't know, this is a pillow that you clutch to your chest when you cough/sneeze/laugh/anything that could disturb your sternum's healing while you recover. I have my original one, but I'm not sure it's the right size for me now. I'd gratefully accept it as a gift if you're wanting to make it for me, otherwise I suppose I just use a throw pillow.

        As we crawl closer and closer to February and receiving a surgery date, I am having worse dreams. They're not even about surgery, but just general nightmares. With how much I'm sleeping, if I seem a bit disturbed during daytime hours, that's likely why. Please don't be offended if I'm not my most chipper self. This is definitely a low point for me with my anxiety ramping up with no end date in sight.

Without wax,

Drunk off Heart Condition

PS: Seriously though, have a peek at the website! I know it's a little broken but I'm dealing with it, and that offer for free writing in exchange for testimonial won't be around for long!